LARISA SVIRSKY

THE JOKE

One doctor says to another
I'm making a pin cushion of your patient

But they only stick me twice
and I'm glad

I'm on the island of last resort
but it's not bad here

Better than being underwater
I said I hope I forget this later

She told me most people do
but I have memories from before memories are supposed to form

Another nurse a long time ago thought someone was hurting me
and I was lying

I was a minor and they were mandated reporters
They couldn't get it out of me

because I didn't remember and still don't
What they put into me was worse

but they say I don't need to know to get better
At work they say if someone is about to disclose something

You're supposed to interrupt them and say you're a mandated reporter
just in case that changes something

I wish some things didn't change everything
They say that worrying you're broken is a problem

but I say that I come by my hopelessness honestly
Even the doctor seemed to say so in the note

he didn't think I would read
I worry about shorthand and what I'm not saying

I'm too honest
I don't own this story

I placed a hard line around work
but it doesn't matter anymore

Why focus so much on learning outcomes
when what we're all learning is that we're dying

and some people seem to live with that okay
I completed a form that said I had the capacity for self-preservation

but all it meant is that I knew a watch ticking didn't mean there was a fire
You put the fire in the mailbox and hope it will light the way

It hurts to want to burn the bridges you're walking on
but I hear a coal walk is good for trust-building

I read a paper that said
Sometimes there is nothing wrong with letting the child drown

and lord knows I hope they are right
Someone once said maybe I didn't want to be alive but I didn't want to be dead either

And it's crazy that I have to be the sane one in this interaction and say calmly
There are only two options